Monday, August 9, 2010

Relationships Day 2

Now let us tackle #2

This is one of my favorite questions! What are you willing to sacrifice? (If anything)

What does sacrifice mean, in terms of a relationship? Sacrifice should only mean, your willingness to let go of the desire to control your partner.  This is the part of our being we struggle with in many situations, on a daily basis.  The internal needs to have others do what you want, when you want, and how you want.  It's especially evident in dating relationships.

People make the mistake of having a "type"; this is destined for failure 99.9% of the time.  When you enter into a relationship with your "type", any deviation this person makes from the vision of your "type", results in the start of the failure of this union.  The sooner you realize you can't control others, the sooner you will begin having better dating experiences.  In other words; you aren't going to have successful relationships because someone looks like your type, acts like your type, has the perfect job, etc...

The moment you have that “Ah-ha” moment is the moment you’re on the path to success in dating.  Now many of you will say, "I've dated plenty of people”, “I’ve been married", etc.  My question is, were you or are you happy in those relationships? Before you answer that, make sure you take time to think hard about it.  I have had many conversations with people who get nasty or even angry when I ask that question.  Interesting enough, not long after asking that question, quite a few end the relationships they are in.  It takes time, but they usually tell me "you were right".  Now you may say I planted a seed in their mind and you would be correct, but, for the wrong reason.  I only helped them admit to what they already knew.  They were going through the motions and needed a wake-up tap.  Two people are rarely at the same level in a relationship.  Sometimes a person is speaking about their relationship in front of their partner, and I can see in their partner’s eyes, body, and motion, that they aren't on the same page.

I have two good friends who were married for 13 years.  Bill used to always rave about Sharon - telling me how great she was and Sharon used to do same in regard to Bill.  Whenever we were all together, I could see in her demeanor that she wasn't happy.  After 13 years, she left him and he was devastated.  I spoke to each of them afterward, and Bill didn’t see it coming and thought he did everything right.  Before Sharon told me her story, I gave her my observations - she said I was dead on!  She used the word sacrifice many times in our conversation.  One thing which was quite evident to me and which I brought up to Sharon, was that her gushing about Bill always seemed disingenuous or contrived, like she felt as though she needed to do it. Again, she agreed with me. I find this to be a recurring theme in most of the conversations I have with friends that aren't or weren't happy. Communication breakdowns are the ugly underbelly of relationships.

You hear the stories or know of a couple that seems too be so happy.  We all have seen them (and may have been in them :P) and sometimes we may even be envious (very bad thing to ever be!).  Next thing you know, they’re divorced or broken up.  Why is that? Wasn't it so perfect?  This goes back to my underlying theme of controlling others and our need to do so.  We project our failures upon these "perfect couples"… we want what we perceive they have. In turn, they keep up appearances, because they don't want to "appear to be" just like everyone else.  We are stuck in this never-ending cosmic dance. The good part is that we can break the cycle… if we truly want to; however, this can only be done on an individual basis.

We need to start with ourselves - understanding what makes you tick, and how others affect you.  Knowing who you are helps you be receptive to that person you truly desire and deserve to be with.  We need to have an open mind and heart to share with another human being.  Now with this openness comes tremendous accountability. What this means is, you have to find the balance to open yourself up completely, while at the same time, not allowing this other person control you.  This can be a very tricky proposition when in a relationship in which "you" are in love.  Often people answer my earlier question with a resounding “Yes” that they were happy or are happy in their current relationship.  The thing they don't see, because, their eyes are wide shut, is that the person they are with, doesn't feel the same way... It's OK to fall completely in love with someone; however, once you get there, you need to make sure that other person is there as well.  

You should never be afraid to speak your ideas, needs, and desires.  Once you stop doing this, even once, you have sacrificed too much and have also started the downward spiral of this union.  Every relationship is different, so this spiral can take weeks, months, or even years.

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Until the next blog....


Mr. P36