Sunday, August 15, 2010

When is it over?

Today we will talk about a topic that most of us have faced:  When is it over?

This topic is an interesting and sometimes complex situation.  We will touch on many different aspects of this question.  We all have faced that point in a relationship when we say to ourselves, "I need to get out of this relationship".  What we will talk about today, is when you actually make the move and when you truly knew it was over, in your head.  These can be two very distinct times during the relationship or they can occur at the same time, however the latter is very rare.

Let us begin with 'When you truly knew it was over', as this for most of us can be something that is hidden and not talked about much.  In every relationship which comes to an end, there's a point in the relationship that in one or both of your minds, you want out.  This actually can be a very subtle situation, hence the 'hidden and not talked about much' statement I made.  Think back through past relationships, think about a time during a relationship when you thought, "Wow I can't believe she/he did or said that".  Now as you read that statement, you must take out the everyday things, when you say that to yourself.  I'm talking about those times when you have said that to yourself, 'with the urge of flight in your mind'.  You all know what I'm talking about.  That moment, however fleeting, when you want to be as far away from this person as possible.  This is the beginning of the end.  To put this point in perspective, it's like getting shot in the stomach with zero chance of medical intervention.  It may take hours or even days, but, you're already dead, your Brain just doesn't know it yet.  It's no different in a relationship, you have already lost 'something',  it's just a matter of time before you actually realize it and act.

Once you can think of yourself without this person, the relationship is over.  There maybe many of you who say, "We've gone to counseling or We're working it out".  OK,  I'm probably going to upset many people, but, I have to share my opinion on 'counseling' and 'working it out'.  Marriage or Couples counseling to me, is complete BS!  To me,  it's something which was created to tell you that you are crazy for wanting to end your relationship; that improving communication is the key to success.  I absolutely agree, communication is an important key, which is why I encourage asking the questions from previous posts, early in a relationship.  Now people will argue mightily with me on this one.  I'm okay with that, but, I will bet that their arguments aren't truly how they feel, their arguments are more about the society brainwashing symptoms from which they suffer.  Working it out is another fan favorite of mine.  I'm confused about what exactly you are going to work out?  One of you (or both) no longer wants to be with the other.  As with counseling, all working it out does, is convince or keep the one that wants out, in the relationship longer.  Once you want out 'GET OUT', you will do everyone involved a huge disservice by staying.  Your relationship performance will suffer tremendously while staying involved with someone who you now wish to be without.

We have talked in other posts about making sure you do what makes you happy.  The other piece is making sure your partner is happy with you.  When I say this, it doesn't mean change who you are to meet their happiness.  This is what most people do, and they wonder why their relationships are in such peril.  The person you are with must accept you for you 100%, not 75%, 80% etc.. must be 100%.  The flip side is you must accept them 100%.  If at any point you are no longer able to accept who they are, it is time to move on. This also goes for the other side, if they don't 100% accept you, then you need to move on.  I implore you to refrain from accepting less than 100% acceptance.  Neither you or your partner deserve less than this.  This may all sound easy enough, but, I point to the fact that we have very poor relationship results.

After reading this you're saying, "So when do I truly know it's over".  My suggestion for anyone who is in a relationship is to use these two guidelines.

1. If you can see yourself without this person or develop feelings for someone else, it is over.
2. If this person tells you they don't want to be with you anymore or they have feelings for someone else, it is over.

I know people are saying "But I love Them", little secret for all of you...YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THAT FEELING. Even after you 'Get over them', you will still love them.  Staying with someone when they or you can see yourself with someone else or have feelings for someone else, is a waste of the time of all who are involved.  Some people may need to plan an exit strategy, and that is okay.  Marriage and some committed relationships are, unfortunately, also business relationships.  This CANNOT be ignored or downplayed. It's much like an Athlete and a ball club.  The overall point is DO NOT stay in something that you want out of because of the societal pressures you may feel.  Always live life your way....

Until the next post.....


Mr. P36