Monday, November 1, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Hello Mr. or Madam President
Today's discussion will revolve around politics and what most people don't get.
I hear all to often, "The President is this or the President is that","The President did this or the President did that". I find all this conversation amusing as it shows our ignorance as a society. People really don't get it, even though they have been taught it. Now I won't go into whether the current President is doing a good job or not, as I believe none of us know what that means either.
The President of the United States is merely a figure head or spokesperson for this country. If you have trouble agreeing with me, break out the American Government books and read up on how the branches of government in the US work. Now this is an important role in our government, so don't misunderstand me as I am over-simplifying to get a point across, as you will see later. If you can come up with a better description based on the facts of the books on how our government works and the practical workings of our government as we have seen it, I would like to hear it. Quite frankly, I'm a little tired of listening to people who have no idea what is going on, actually speak on this subject.
The President has some special powers in special times, this is understood. Where people get off the reservation is when they think the President will change the country for the better. They also speak about the President making it worse. Both of those points are myths that the people who really run this country want you to think. It's all smoke and mirrors and we are easily led down the wrong path in this country. When it comes to everyday living in this country, the people that run this country are located in your local town governments, your county governments, your state governments, and The House of Reps and Senate. If you believe anything else you are greatly misinformed. All of these people want you to believe that the 'President' is your Saviour or the goat. Again if you don't agree, I strongly suggest you grab a book on American Government.
We are just cattle being herded to the slaughter. I hear people talking bad and good about our current President everyday, just like every President before him since I could watch TV, or understand the spoken word. Ironically enough, who I don't hear complaining or giving adulation are people that get it. People who go to town meetings, vote on local and national issues. These people get it; that the person in the Presidential Oval Office is just a member of the entire process and can't change anything on her/his own. I will give you a short example of how our government works and then ask who's in charge. Congress formulates a bill, the bill is passed in the Senate and the House. This bill now goes to the President for signing into law. The President doesn't agree and Veto's the bill. The bill can now go back to Congress and Congress can override the President. Now this is rarely done, but, the point is it can be. The flip side is that the President can't get anything into law without Congress. So I ask again, whom do we think is in charge? This goes back too my earlier point about who really runs the everyday things which truly affect us. It's your local government, state government, and Congress. So if you want the 'President' too be successful, these people need to answer to you along with the President, not the other way around.
The President of the United States of America is a powerful person, but believe it or not, there's a more powerful group of people. These people are skating by as we as Americans fight or support our sitting Presidents. We are quick to judge and hold a person accountable who has a stake in our lives, but, not the biggest stake. We give this group of people a pass on a daily basis, then we wonder what is wrong with this country. We are ignorant to how our own government works. The sad part about this is, that's what these people want. They want us to turn a blind eye, cause they know in our minds it's much easier to go after one person than to attack the thousands of them who are truly ruining our country.
Before you open your mouth about any President, think about what I said....Attack the right people...not those who you have been conditioned to attack all your life....
Remember the President can't get something into law without Congress....stop giving these people a pass...Hold your local government, state government, and Congress accountable.
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
I hear all to often, "The President is this or the President is that","The President did this or the President did that". I find all this conversation amusing as it shows our ignorance as a society. People really don't get it, even though they have been taught it. Now I won't go into whether the current President is doing a good job or not, as I believe none of us know what that means either.
The President of the United States is merely a figure head or spokesperson for this country. If you have trouble agreeing with me, break out the American Government books and read up on how the branches of government in the US work. Now this is an important role in our government, so don't misunderstand me as I am over-simplifying to get a point across, as you will see later. If you can come up with a better description based on the facts of the books on how our government works and the practical workings of our government as we have seen it, I would like to hear it. Quite frankly, I'm a little tired of listening to people who have no idea what is going on, actually speak on this subject.
The President has some special powers in special times, this is understood. Where people get off the reservation is when they think the President will change the country for the better. They also speak about the President making it worse. Both of those points are myths that the people who really run this country want you to think. It's all smoke and mirrors and we are easily led down the wrong path in this country. When it comes to everyday living in this country, the people that run this country are located in your local town governments, your county governments, your state governments, and The House of Reps and Senate. If you believe anything else you are greatly misinformed. All of these people want you to believe that the 'President' is your Saviour or the goat. Again if you don't agree, I strongly suggest you grab a book on American Government.
We are just cattle being herded to the slaughter. I hear people talking bad and good about our current President everyday, just like every President before him since I could watch TV, or understand the spoken word. Ironically enough, who I don't hear complaining or giving adulation are people that get it. People who go to town meetings, vote on local and national issues. These people get it; that the person in the Presidential Oval Office is just a member of the entire process and can't change anything on her/his own. I will give you a short example of how our government works and then ask who's in charge. Congress formulates a bill, the bill is passed in the Senate and the House. This bill now goes to the President for signing into law. The President doesn't agree and Veto's the bill. The bill can now go back to Congress and Congress can override the President. Now this is rarely done, but, the point is it can be. The flip side is that the President can't get anything into law without Congress. So I ask again, whom do we think is in charge? This goes back too my earlier point about who really runs the everyday things which truly affect us. It's your local government, state government, and Congress. So if you want the 'President' too be successful, these people need to answer to you along with the President, not the other way around.
The President of the United States of America is a powerful person, but believe it or not, there's a more powerful group of people. These people are skating by as we as Americans fight or support our sitting Presidents. We are quick to judge and hold a person accountable who has a stake in our lives, but, not the biggest stake. We give this group of people a pass on a daily basis, then we wonder what is wrong with this country. We are ignorant to how our own government works. The sad part about this is, that's what these people want. They want us to turn a blind eye, cause they know in our minds it's much easier to go after one person than to attack the thousands of them who are truly ruining our country.
Before you open your mouth about any President, think about what I said....Attack the right people...not those who you have been conditioned to attack all your life....
Remember the President can't get something into law without Congress....stop giving these people a pass...Hold your local government, state government, and Congress accountable.
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Racial Division
Why can't we all get along?
I find this question most interesting in the society we live in. We live in a country with just about every race from around the world. Yet we still have many issues with race relations. We continue to say "Why?" to ourselves on a daily basis. The 'Why' for me is quite simple. The loathing of races different from us, is deep inside and many 100's of years, if not thousands of years in the making.
I will speak today on black - white division. This is always the number one hot button topic in the US, when it comes to race relations. The surprise people have with the fact we are still fighting this battle of equality, is baffling too me. Why would you expect after only 40+ years of civil rights actions, that things would be OK? Do we think a few items of legislation wipe away 100's of years of slavery and degrading acts by the white members of this country against the black members? To me that's where the problem starts. There are two sides to this equation that I'm not sure everyone understands. I get it that most White Americans realize that the acts their ancestors performed were appalling. The problem comes in when White Americans say that they "get it", but, "When do they stop paying for their ancestors mistakes?". I would say to them "Why even ask that question?", live your life the way you believe it to be lived. You can't atone for the misguidance of others, trying to will result in failure. White Americans can help relations with Black Americans by treating Black Americans as equals, plain and simple.
The conversation about the N-word is a great example to me of how White Americans miss the mark. Why would a White American, knowing the history of this country, even entertain the thought of using this word? In my opinion, it's because White Americans feel like they have done enough to repair relations between Black Americans and White Americans. They feel like everyone is over it so it's OK to use. This word and many like it, shouldn't be used period. Why any group of people would ask "Why can't we use it?", is a clear sign we have a long way to go in race relations.
The other side of this problem is centered around the Black American community. People within this group, for which I am one, and people outside of this group of people, have somewhat of a confused perception. We wonder why this community has some of the major issues it does. To me it is quite simple, as I eluded to earlier; We as a community have been degraded, beaten, killed, and persecuted for 100's of years in this country. There's an embedded self esteem problem in our community, which will take us many more generations to overcome. The fact that Black Americans and White Americans don't understand that as a whole, is a large driver in our lack of understanding of this issue.
We talked earlier about White Americans asking why can't they use the N-word, that Black Americans use. Let us discuss the Black American side of this equation. I personally don't like the use of the word at all, but, I know why it is used. It goes back to my statement about 'an embedded self esteem problem'. Black Americans use this word to degrade other Black Americans, as well as a term of endearment, "There goes my N^^^^^". I think what is lost in all this is, Black Americans were called this term everyday of their lives, for 100's of years. When some started to rise from the lower ranks, they used this term to degrade other Black Americans they felt were beneath them. Fast forward to present time, the word is being used same as before, as well as a term of endearment. You may view this many different ways, but, there is a glimmer of progress. We as a community are challenging ourselves to not use words like this, and to support each other in our endeavors. It will take the Black American community to realize this word and any word degrading our race or another race is unacceptable. This holds true for White Americans and any other race on this planet. We can't be told from another race this is bad. We are a community that has come out of being 2nd rate in this country, thus we respond poorly to other races telling us right from wrong. This is the normal order of things, we all have been in a situation where we chose a different direction just because someone told us to go another way. Black Americans can help relations with White Americans by simply understanding they are equals.
We must ask ourselves, "Do we truly understand what the other side is going through?". I will challenge that we don't, otherwise we wouldn't have one race asking another race, "Why can't I use that degrading word you use, that I used to use to put you down?"
We are all human beings, we live, we die.....
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
I find this question most interesting in the society we live in. We live in a country with just about every race from around the world. Yet we still have many issues with race relations. We continue to say "Why?" to ourselves on a daily basis. The 'Why' for me is quite simple. The loathing of races different from us, is deep inside and many 100's of years, if not thousands of years in the making.
I will speak today on black - white division. This is always the number one hot button topic in the US, when it comes to race relations. The surprise people have with the fact we are still fighting this battle of equality, is baffling too me. Why would you expect after only 40+ years of civil rights actions, that things would be OK? Do we think a few items of legislation wipe away 100's of years of slavery and degrading acts by the white members of this country against the black members? To me that's where the problem starts. There are two sides to this equation that I'm not sure everyone understands. I get it that most White Americans realize that the acts their ancestors performed were appalling. The problem comes in when White Americans say that they "get it", but, "When do they stop paying for their ancestors mistakes?". I would say to them "Why even ask that question?", live your life the way you believe it to be lived. You can't atone for the misguidance of others, trying to will result in failure. White Americans can help relations with Black Americans by treating Black Americans as equals, plain and simple.
The conversation about the N-word is a great example to me of how White Americans miss the mark. Why would a White American, knowing the history of this country, even entertain the thought of using this word? In my opinion, it's because White Americans feel like they have done enough to repair relations between Black Americans and White Americans. They feel like everyone is over it so it's OK to use. This word and many like it, shouldn't be used period. Why any group of people would ask "Why can't we use it?", is a clear sign we have a long way to go in race relations.
The other side of this problem is centered around the Black American community. People within this group, for which I am one, and people outside of this group of people, have somewhat of a confused perception. We wonder why this community has some of the major issues it does. To me it is quite simple, as I eluded to earlier; We as a community have been degraded, beaten, killed, and persecuted for 100's of years in this country. There's an embedded self esteem problem in our community, which will take us many more generations to overcome. The fact that Black Americans and White Americans don't understand that as a whole, is a large driver in our lack of understanding of this issue.
We must ask ourselves, "Do we truly understand what the other side is going through?". I will challenge that we don't, otherwise we wouldn't have one race asking another race, "Why can't I use that degrading word you use, that I used to use to put you down?"
We are all human beings, we live, we die.....
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Cheating
OK let's get this firestorm going....
I have had hundreds of conversations, if not thousands about cheating. Most of the conversations were centered around how the person who cheated was such a scumbag. In this post we won’t be talking about that particular piece of this subject. We will talk about relationship breakdowns which may lead to this act. I will use stage names for the people in this story. Although my friend has agreed to let me use his story, he asked that names and places be changed.
In the above example there are many issues that we can link back to previous posts. The first thing out of any one's mouth who hears about or are a part of these things is "That blah blah is an a$$". I won’t argue that point here, what I will do is tackle the real issues. She obviously had some issues with him early on in their relationship. She chose not to talk about them, this is prime example of why without asking questions and being open, honest, and direct with your partner, you will have poor results. This couple settled into a nice comfort zone of don't ask, don't tell. Many relationships start this way, we hide our true selves and once it's time to be who you are, there's a lot of time and other things invested. Then we feel trapped, so we open ourselves up for risk like this. Risk to do something we know we shouldn't do, instead of what we should do, which is leave this person. Once you have in your head, 'I can be without this person', you need to get to the business of getting out. Remove the risk of doing something you can never take back.
We have to challenge ourselves to stop playing these head in the sand games we play in relationships. This person put herself in a poor position (no pun), needlessly. The moment she felt she was losing connection a conversation should be had between the two. The flip side is equally important; he admitted to me that he noticed a long time ago she was slightly different. He chalked it up as the normal things in relationships. People settle in and they stop communicating. He is just as culpable with this failure. Did he make her sleep with another man? No, of course not. My point with this is better communication by asking open, honest, and direct questions can resolve the issue before it gets going. It also could end a relationship that should end, before more weeks, months or years are added to chaos.
I find people are very happy to be with someone so they put the blinders on and go forward, without being in tune with the other person. People put up a show, instead of being real. I talked in a past post about people rarely being at the same level in a relationship. In many cases a relationship is doomed with a cheating result, from the door. This is due to the fact that although both parties seem very interested, they aren't interested in the same thing. One is looking for serious long-term, the other is looking for something casual or even less. We, however, are taught to not ask or tell how we feel about the relationship we are embarking on. This again is a major 'NO NO'. What typically happens is hearts get involved, and then the mind and heart get into a major battle. Which in turn shuts the mind down; in a sense you think your overreacting, or it's too soon to say this, that or the other thing. We must practice full disclosure when involved with something. Quite often, people hold back how they feel about a question they are asked, because, they don't want to lose this person. People, look at our dating results? They are poor, this mentality isn't helping, it's hurting.
The point I'm trying to convey when it comes too cheating is this like other failures in relationships, can be avoided. This can be done by both parties asking open, honest, and direct questions about their expectations in the relationship. We also need to give open, honest and direct answers. This is as important as the question. We can't be afraid that this guy or girl will leave us if we aren't upfront. This mentality signifies a self esteem issue that you have. This again goes back to previous posts about making sure you know where you are going in life. You have to understand 'YOU' before, sharing "YOU" with someone else.
If you're involved or been involved in a cheating situation, it's imperative you look at yourself regardless of what side of this you are or were on. If we want to be successful going forward we have to correct our own issues, one by one. When I hear someone tell me, like above, that this has happened more than once, I struggle with those that say it's all the other person's fault. There's not a relationship breakdown which only one person is responsible for........
People cheat because they are missing something from their partner. This doesn't excuse the act, but, it is a fact that is lost in most conversations I have with people. It's lost due to the seriousness of the act. My object here is to help people not repeat these situations by being "more self aware and asking for full disclosure from their partner". You can't be half way on that last statement I made. Self awareness is a never ending pursuit.
There's nothing good about cheating, however there's more to learn than just the act itself......
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
Monday, August 16, 2010
Being You
Today we will discuss what it means to be you...
In all of our lives there comes a time when in your head you say, "Enough is Enough". You start to realize you can't live by other's standards anymore. This event is different for each of us. The fortunate few experience this event at a young age. The rest of us go through many ups and downs in our lives before we experience this event. Whether you're old, young, or somewhere in between you will experience this event at some point in your life. The complicated part of this is knowing it and acting on it.
As we go on this journey to find ourselves, we have to ask, "Is this for me or am I doing it for someone else?". Quite often, people say they're trying to find themselves, but, tend to be just going through the motions. It's not enough to say you want something as complex as this, you must also formulate a plan. Take small steps, this will help you have long lasting results. Remember, you have been the way you are for many years, it doesn't change overnight. Many people wake up and say. "Today is the day I do what is right for me!". That is a part of it, but, without a true plan of attack, those words become the background static noise of your life. I often hear people say "Carpe Diem", yet as I hear the words come out of their mouths, the words seem so hollow. We as a society are well equipped to use and invent catchy phrases. The only thing these motto's and mantra’s serve to do is, cover up the true issues inside.
To find out what it means to be you, is to learn to accept your thoughts and feelings about everything that takes place in your life. What I mean by this is simple, your first instinct is that, 'Internal You'. Now this can be very frightening, as your first reaction to a given situation may not be the most positive, that's okay. What this instinct is telling you is, on a very deep level this is how you feel or think. This doesn't mean that you should suppress the negative and only let the positive come to the surface. What it means is, you need to acknowledge both. This needs to be done in a manner that is comfortable for 'You".
How people view your life should be irrelevant to you. You're the only one actually living your life. Before anyone can help another human being, they must first be on a path of self understanding. I hear people giving others advice all the time; I always have questioned the motives of those 'advice givers'. I have found through countless conversations that most people project their failures or desires onto the person they're giving advice to. This to me is a classic imbedded issue of society we face. People are always willing to tell you what they think about what you should do. Sometimes this advice can be coming from someone who doesn't want you to be successful. The interesting part about that statement is, they a lot of time, don't even know that. I use the example of two women in relationships they don't want to be in anymore. First woman finally decides she's going to leave her husband. She proceeds to tell her best friend (Woman #2), who encourages her to stay and work it out. After a couple months of conversation with her best friend she decides to stay and 'work it out'. Six months later, woman #2 leaves her husband. When the first woman asked woman #2 what was going on. She simply replied "I've had enough of doing what everyone else expects from me, I'm going to live my life for me". Now the first woman was understandably upset, when hearing this news; she had been talked out of doing something she wanted, by a friend who wanted the same thing. Woman #2 admitted sometime later that she had the feeling of leaving years before, but, did what she was taught to do, live for others.
There is no right or wrong way to take control of your life. That's the beauty of being unique, there's only one of you. Some people will use other people for inspiration; some will internally develop that drive for more. Whatever road you take to finally 'Being You', is your road and your road alone. We have to stop needing external stimuli to make us do what we know we need to do. The problem with that method is you have fewer follow-throughs on your personal promises to yourself. You tend to associate your success with someone else's approval of your decision to go down that particular path. It is good to bounce things off of other people, however, there's a fine line between getting advice and making a decision based on that and doing what you really want to do. People are easily persuaded when getting parallel feedback. We are less accepting of opposite feedback. The point with this is, it shouldn't matter one way or another what anyone else says. You should always have faith in yourself; that you are doing what you want to do, not what you have been conditioned to do.
Being You starts with understanding what drives you, what makes you happy, and what your failings are in your own eyes. No one should ever be more critical of you than you. The issue is; your criticism of yourself needs to be rooted in your view of you, not your view of you based off what someone else is telling you....
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
In all of our lives there comes a time when in your head you say, "Enough is Enough". You start to realize you can't live by other's standards anymore. This event is different for each of us. The fortunate few experience this event at a young age. The rest of us go through many ups and downs in our lives before we experience this event. Whether you're old, young, or somewhere in between you will experience this event at some point in your life. The complicated part of this is knowing it and acting on it.
To find out what it means to be you, is to learn to accept your thoughts and feelings about everything that takes place in your life. What I mean by this is simple, your first instinct is that, 'Internal You'. Now this can be very frightening, as your first reaction to a given situation may not be the most positive, that's okay. What this instinct is telling you is, on a very deep level this is how you feel or think. This doesn't mean that you should suppress the negative and only let the positive come to the surface. What it means is, you need to acknowledge both. This needs to be done in a manner that is comfortable for 'You".
There is no right or wrong way to take control of your life. That's the beauty of being unique, there's only one of you. Some people will use other people for inspiration; some will internally develop that drive for more. Whatever road you take to finally 'Being You', is your road and your road alone. We have to stop needing external stimuli to make us do what we know we need to do. The problem with that method is you have fewer follow-throughs on your personal promises to yourself. You tend to associate your success with someone else's approval of your decision to go down that particular path. It is good to bounce things off of other people, however, there's a fine line between getting advice and making a decision based on that and doing what you really want to do. People are easily persuaded when getting parallel feedback. We are less accepting of opposite feedback. The point with this is, it shouldn't matter one way or another what anyone else says. You should always have faith in yourself; that you are doing what you want to do, not what you have been conditioned to do.
Being You starts with understanding what drives you, what makes you happy, and what your failings are in your own eyes. No one should ever be more critical of you than you. The issue is; your criticism of yourself needs to be rooted in your view of you, not your view of you based off what someone else is telling you....
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
Sunday, August 15, 2010
When is it over?
Today we will talk about a topic that most of us have faced: When is it over?
This topic is an interesting and sometimes complex situation. We will touch on many different aspects of this question. We all have faced that point in a relationship when we say to ourselves, "I need to get out of this relationship". What we will talk about today, is when you actually make the move and when you truly knew it was over, in your head. These can be two very distinct times during the relationship or they can occur at the same time, however the latter is very rare.
Let us begin with 'When you truly knew it was over', as this for most of us can be something that is hidden and not talked about much. In every relationship which comes to an end, there's a point in the relationship that in one or both of your minds, you want out. This actually can be a very subtle situation, hence the 'hidden and not talked about much' statement I made. Think back through past relationships, think about a time during a relationship when you thought, "Wow I can't believe she/he did or said that". Now as you read that statement, you must take out the everyday things, when you say that to yourself. I'm talking about those times when you have said that to yourself, 'with the urge of flight in your mind'. You all know what I'm talking about. That moment, however fleeting, when you want to be as far away from this person as possible. This is the beginning of the end. To put this point in perspective, it's like getting shot in the stomach with zero chance of medical intervention. It may take hours or even days, but, you're already dead, your Brain just doesn't know it yet. It's no different in a relationship, you have already lost 'something', it's just a matter of time before you actually realize it and act.
Once you can think of yourself without this person, the relationship is over. There maybe many of you who say, "We've gone to counseling or We're working it out". OK, I'm probably going to upset many people, but, I have to share my opinion on 'counseling' and 'working it out'. Marriage or Couples counseling to me, is complete BS! To me, it's something which was created to tell you that you are crazy for wanting to end your relationship; that improving communication is the key to success. I absolutely agree, communication is an important key, which is why I encourage asking the questions from previous posts, early in a relationship. Now people will argue mightily with me on this one. I'm okay with that, but, I will bet that their arguments aren't truly how they feel, their arguments are more about the society brainwashing symptoms from which they suffer. Working it out is another fan favorite of mine. I'm confused about what exactly you are going to work out? One of you (or both) no longer wants to be with the other. As with counseling, all working it out does, is convince or keep the one that wants out, in the relationship longer. Once you want out 'GET OUT', you will do everyone involved a huge disservice by staying. Your relationship performance will suffer tremendously while staying involved with someone who you now wish to be without.
We have talked in other posts about making sure you do what makes you happy. The other piece is making sure your partner is happy with you. When I say this, it doesn't mean change who you are to meet their happiness. This is what most people do, and they wonder why their relationships are in such peril. The person you are with must accept you for you 100%, not 75%, 80% etc.. must be 100%. The flip side is you must accept them 100%. If at any point you are no longer able to accept who they are, it is time to move on. This also goes for the other side, if they don't 100% accept you, then you need to move on. I implore you to refrain from accepting less than 100% acceptance. Neither you or your partner deserve less than this. This may all sound easy enough, but, I point to the fact that we have very poor relationship results.
After reading this you're saying, "So when do I truly know it's over". My suggestion for anyone who is in a relationship is to use these two guidelines.
1. If you can see yourself without this person or develop feelings for someone else, it is over.
2. If this person tells you they don't want to be with you anymore or they have feelings for someone else, it is over.
I know people are saying "But I love Them", little secret for all of you...YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THAT FEELING. Even after you 'Get over them', you will still love them. Staying with someone when they or you can see yourself with someone else or have feelings for someone else, is a waste of the time of all who are involved. Some people may need to plan an exit strategy, and that is okay. Marriage and some committed relationships are, unfortunately, also business relationships. This CANNOT be ignored or downplayed. It's much like an Athlete and a ball club. The overall point is DO NOT stay in something that you want out of because of the societal pressures you may feel. Always live life your way....
Until the next post.....
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
This topic is an interesting and sometimes complex situation. We will touch on many different aspects of this question. We all have faced that point in a relationship when we say to ourselves, "I need to get out of this relationship". What we will talk about today, is when you actually make the move and when you truly knew it was over, in your head. These can be two very distinct times during the relationship or they can occur at the same time, however the latter is very rare.
Let us begin with 'When you truly knew it was over', as this for most of us can be something that is hidden and not talked about much. In every relationship which comes to an end, there's a point in the relationship that in one or both of your minds, you want out. This actually can be a very subtle situation, hence the 'hidden and not talked about much' statement I made. Think back through past relationships, think about a time during a relationship when you thought, "Wow I can't believe she/he did or said that". Now as you read that statement, you must take out the everyday things, when you say that to yourself. I'm talking about those times when you have said that to yourself, 'with the urge of flight in your mind'. You all know what I'm talking about. That moment, however fleeting, when you want to be as far away from this person as possible. This is the beginning of the end. To put this point in perspective, it's like getting shot in the stomach with zero chance of medical intervention. It may take hours or even days, but, you're already dead, your Brain just doesn't know it yet. It's no different in a relationship, you have already lost 'something', it's just a matter of time before you actually realize it and act.
Once you can think of yourself without this person, the relationship is over. There maybe many of you who say, "We've gone to counseling or We're working it out". OK, I'm probably going to upset many people, but, I have to share my opinion on 'counseling' and 'working it out'. Marriage or Couples counseling to me, is complete BS! To me, it's something which was created to tell you that you are crazy for wanting to end your relationship; that improving communication is the key to success. I absolutely agree, communication is an important key, which is why I encourage asking the questions from previous posts, early in a relationship. Now people will argue mightily with me on this one. I'm okay with that, but, I will bet that their arguments aren't truly how they feel, their arguments are more about the society brainwashing symptoms from which they suffer. Working it out is another fan favorite of mine. I'm confused about what exactly you are going to work out? One of you (or both) no longer wants to be with the other. As with counseling, all working it out does, is convince or keep the one that wants out, in the relationship longer. Once you want out 'GET OUT', you will do everyone involved a huge disservice by staying. Your relationship performance will suffer tremendously while staying involved with someone who you now wish to be without.
After reading this you're saying, "So when do I truly know it's over". My suggestion for anyone who is in a relationship is to use these two guidelines.
1. If you can see yourself without this person or develop feelings for someone else, it is over.
2. If this person tells you they don't want to be with you anymore or they have feelings for someone else, it is over.
I know people are saying "But I love Them", little secret for all of you...YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THAT FEELING. Even after you 'Get over them', you will still love them. Staying with someone when they or you can see yourself with someone else or have feelings for someone else, is a waste of the time of all who are involved. Some people may need to plan an exit strategy, and that is okay. Marriage and some committed relationships are, unfortunately, also business relationships. This CANNOT be ignored or downplayed. It's much like an Athlete and a ball club. The overall point is DO NOT stay in something that you want out of because of the societal pressures you may feel. Always live life your way....
Until the next post.....
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Relationships Day 5
Today is a check in day: What have you learned from previous relationships?
I find that when I ask this question to someone, their answer is based on the time lapse between the question and the relationship. Naturally people have better reflections, the further they are from the situation. This is especially poignant because it's a proven fact, as we move away from an event, our access to that memory becomes less and less. What this means is, our mind fills in the gaps. So, let's put that in perspective; can you remember a situation where you were passionate about an event dealing with a relationship issue and as time went on you became less passionate? The purpose of this conversation path, is to make the point that we rely heavily on time to help us make relationship decisions. I believe this why we are stuck in this negative repeating cycle of failed relationships.
When you talk to someone who is in a new relationship, many more times than not, their partner walks on water. This is a classic reaction, and I'm actually not saying this is a bad thing. You should be excited about your new partner. The issue comes in when you haven't gone through the questions posed in previous posts. When it comes to human emotions, they are tricky, little devils that need some form of chaperon. This is all, "fine line" type of stuff. What I mean by this is, you have too be willing to let your heart be broken, without losing sight of all the things that tell you whether this person is right for you and you are right for them. These points are very important. Most people think it's enough that "They are into this person", however, the person must "Be into you to" as well.
Now this again is where the waters muddy, the initial attraction is sexual. When I talk about sexual, it doesn't necessarily mean jump in bed sexual. It speaks more to the animal urges which are embedded in our genes. Although we like to think we've evolved over thousands of years, there are thousands of studies that prove my point. This also is why things become cloudy. Two people who are attracted to one another more often than not, aren't exactly on the same plane with this sexual attraction. In an earlier post, I spoke about the fact that very rarely are two people on the same level in a relationship. This is even more prevalent in the beginning. What you end up having is, one person being heavily drawn for pure sexual fulfillment. We then have the other person who is attracted as well, but, more for what the other person stands for. Both of these are the same because both people are aroused by the other. The fact that they are aroused by different reasons is irrelevant, the arousal is the constant.
So where am I going with this you might ask? Good question...The point to all this is, are you really learning from previous relationships? Judging by the success of the average relationship, I would say no. The reason why we have trouble using previous relationships to help us going forward, is our glazed-eyed beginnings of new relationships. The reason we are glazed eyed is our internal workings. What I offer you through all these posts on this subject is, to look within to bring balance and understanding to your own life. This will help you to break from the norm. This will also help you to focus on your internal urges, needs, and goals. I believe people can either evolve mentally through osmosis of society, or direct personal evolution. I personally would rather have 100% control of how I move forward in my mental evolution. Living by others ideals will serve in adding to your misery. If you're not doing things that truly make you happy, I again ask, what is the point?
In these five points I briefly touched on preparing yourself for better (not perfect) success in dating. Some of my ideals may be foreign to most, but, I would challenge our track records. Poor relationships are a staple of our daily lives, so again I say , "What we are doing isn't working anymore". More open and honest dialog is needed on this topic. I don't profess to have the answers, though, I think we need to ask better questions.
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
I find that when I ask this question to someone, their answer is based on the time lapse between the question and the relationship. Naturally people have better reflections, the further they are from the situation. This is especially poignant because it's a proven fact, as we move away from an event, our access to that memory becomes less and less. What this means is, our mind fills in the gaps. So, let's put that in perspective; can you remember a situation where you were passionate about an event dealing with a relationship issue and as time went on you became less passionate? The purpose of this conversation path, is to make the point that we rely heavily on time to help us make relationship decisions. I believe this why we are stuck in this negative repeating cycle of failed relationships.
When you talk to someone who is in a new relationship, many more times than not, their partner walks on water. This is a classic reaction, and I'm actually not saying this is a bad thing. You should be excited about your new partner. The issue comes in when you haven't gone through the questions posed in previous posts. When it comes to human emotions, they are tricky, little devils that need some form of chaperon. This is all, "fine line" type of stuff. What I mean by this is, you have too be willing to let your heart be broken, without losing sight of all the things that tell you whether this person is right for you and you are right for them. These points are very important. Most people think it's enough that "They are into this person", however, the person must "Be into you to" as well.
So where am I going with this you might ask? Good question...The point to all this is, are you really learning from previous relationships? Judging by the success of the average relationship, I would say no. The reason why we have trouble using previous relationships to help us going forward, is our glazed-eyed beginnings of new relationships. The reason we are glazed eyed is our internal workings. What I offer you through all these posts on this subject is, to look within to bring balance and understanding to your own life. This will help you to break from the norm. This will also help you to focus on your internal urges, needs, and goals. I believe people can either evolve mentally through osmosis of society, or direct personal evolution. I personally would rather have 100% control of how I move forward in my mental evolution. Living by others ideals will serve in adding to your misery. If you're not doing things that truly make you happy, I again ask, what is the point?
In these five points I briefly touched on preparing yourself for better (not perfect) success in dating. Some of my ideals may be foreign to most, but, I would challenge our track records. Poor relationships are a staple of our daily lives, so again I say , "What we are doing isn't working anymore". More open and honest dialog is needed on this topic. I don't profess to have the answers, though, I think we need to ask better questions.
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Confidence
Today we will break from the relationship theme for a bit....
I had a good friend ask me an intriguing question today. She asked if I had low self-confidence today. This struck me as odd, for a few reasons, but, mainly because I possibly have never been asked that before. It made me think about people I talk to on a daily basis. It made me think, how can I help people overcome their issues with confidence/self esteem?
This is near and dear to my heart, as majority of people I have come in contact with in my life, suffer some form of poor self confidence. I will admit this is foreign to me on a personal level as I have always been supremely confident in myself. I also have supreme confidence in people. I however relate cause I have talked to many people that have explained their torture. They have also given me feedback that my confidence in myself and that which I attempt to instill in them has had a positive affect on their lives.
To me, a few things help people gain confidence in themselves. One can be a person that shows them that they genuinely have confidence in them. This seems easy enough, however if you don't feel that person to be genuine, you won't respond well. People who have self-esteem issues are always taking advice from others with the same issue. People.... stop this, misery-loves-company train wreck. Actively take hold of your path to overcoming self confidence issues.
Another friend told me this morning that she officially got her radio show. She said she was nervous and she needed prayers. My first response to her minor trepidation was, "you're OK you got this". In my mind there isn't a doubt because, she already got the show. There will be growing pains, but, she already proved in someones mind she is worth the spot. The point of all this is simple, we need to take our success stories and use them as fuel, as we embark on the next challenge. If I'm her I'm saying to myself "What's the worse that can happen?", "I made it this far!".
One thing that gets in the way of people becoming more confident is the need to be like others. This is a classic misstep. Trying to be like someone else will always end in failure. Trying to live up to someone else's standards or ideals is a tragic journey with very little success. What do I mean by this you might ask? We all have heard or seen the story of the star quarterback and his coach, the father. He's never good enough in his fathers eyes, so he tries harder and harder. Still his father is harder on him than the other kids. This is a real life, everyday scenario that doesn't relegate itself to sports. It permeates through all genders, colors, and roles. We are always trying to prove ourselves to someone else. The only person you need to prove yourself to is YOU.
This issue is a big powerful locomotive and it's hard to stop it. In many of my conversations with people, they talk about some event or many events in their life that cause them to not be sure about themselves. One bit of advice I give them is focus on the good things you have accomplished in your life. Everyone has success stories to tell. So I tell people say to yourself "I did it once I can do it again!", even if it's something totally different. The point is that you were successful at something, not what that something was. We tend to get caught up in the act itself, instead of the fact you actually were successful at something.
My advice to those that know they have self confidence issues, is to seek out a coach or mentor. This person needs too be someone that you have confidence in. This person should be someone you can talk open, honest, and direct with. Someone that shows and exhibits confidence. Ask this person if they are willing to partner with you, to help you understand what having great confidence is all about. Now you may have difficulty finding this person and even more difficulty opening up. You don't want to let that stymie your quest for improvement in this area. Like in previous posts you need to break the cycle, you won't improve this issue by letting it sit there. What I'm suggesting is thinking outside the box. Life is short, making yourself happy and being confident about yourself is paramount. Try going against the grain, it's a good feeling.
We must always believe in ourselves, otherwise what is the point??? Life is lived individually, then in groups, not the other way around. Seeking acceptance from others will only serve to deepen the strangle hold low self-esteem has on you. Seeking someone to say they like what you're wearing doesn't make you feel good. Think about it, you reached out for another's opinion because you already have doubts. Their approval is superficial and only serves to mask the underlying issue. Whether others agree with you is irrelevant, you must find the will to believe in what ever is in your head. We worry too much about what society thinks about our ideas, appearance, actions, etc... Society can very well have an opinion, this however can't be your source of approval for your life. Confidence can be gained through the success stories of your life, not through the approval of others. That approval will be short lived and not sustained in your mind or soul.
The first thought in most people that have low self-esteem is they will fail. Failure is a part of life, once you embrace it, you can use it as a tool. This is a powerful tool that can go a long way in, removing those mental barriers that prevent you, from performing at your peak in all situations in your life. The purpose of all this is to get you to find positive opportunities in all aspects of your life. There's positive in good as well as in bad, striving to find that good will open new doors and remove obstacles.
The key takeaway when talking about confidence is, you have to trust in you. This must be done before anyone that exhibits trust in you can prove effective for you moving up the self-esteem ladder. Everything has and will always start with you....
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
I had a good friend ask me an intriguing question today. She asked if I had low self-confidence today. This struck me as odd, for a few reasons, but, mainly because I possibly have never been asked that before. It made me think about people I talk to on a daily basis. It made me think, how can I help people overcome their issues with confidence/self esteem?
This is near and dear to my heart, as majority of people I have come in contact with in my life, suffer some form of poor self confidence. I will admit this is foreign to me on a personal level as I have always been supremely confident in myself. I also have supreme confidence in people. I however relate cause I have talked to many people that have explained their torture. They have also given me feedback that my confidence in myself and that which I attempt to instill in them has had a positive affect on their lives.
To me, a few things help people gain confidence in themselves. One can be a person that shows them that they genuinely have confidence in them. This seems easy enough, however if you don't feel that person to be genuine, you won't respond well. People who have self-esteem issues are always taking advice from others with the same issue. People.... stop this, misery-loves-company train wreck. Actively take hold of your path to overcoming self confidence issues.
Another friend told me this morning that she officially got her radio show. She said she was nervous and she needed prayers. My first response to her minor trepidation was, "you're OK you got this". In my mind there isn't a doubt because, she already got the show. There will be growing pains, but, she already proved in someones mind she is worth the spot. The point of all this is simple, we need to take our success stories and use them as fuel, as we embark on the next challenge. If I'm her I'm saying to myself "What's the worse that can happen?", "I made it this far!".
One thing that gets in the way of people becoming more confident is the need to be like others. This is a classic misstep. Trying to be like someone else will always end in failure. Trying to live up to someone else's standards or ideals is a tragic journey with very little success. What do I mean by this you might ask? We all have heard or seen the story of the star quarterback and his coach, the father. He's never good enough in his fathers eyes, so he tries harder and harder. Still his father is harder on him than the other kids. This is a real life, everyday scenario that doesn't relegate itself to sports. It permeates through all genders, colors, and roles. We are always trying to prove ourselves to someone else. The only person you need to prove yourself to is YOU.
This issue is a big powerful locomotive and it's hard to stop it. In many of my conversations with people, they talk about some event or many events in their life that cause them to not be sure about themselves. One bit of advice I give them is focus on the good things you have accomplished in your life. Everyone has success stories to tell. So I tell people say to yourself "I did it once I can do it again!", even if it's something totally different. The point is that you were successful at something, not what that something was. We tend to get caught up in the act itself, instead of the fact you actually were successful at something.
My advice to those that know they have self confidence issues, is to seek out a coach or mentor. This person needs too be someone that you have confidence in. This person should be someone you can talk open, honest, and direct with. Someone that shows and exhibits confidence. Ask this person if they are willing to partner with you, to help you understand what having great confidence is all about. Now you may have difficulty finding this person and even more difficulty opening up. You don't want to let that stymie your quest for improvement in this area. Like in previous posts you need to break the cycle, you won't improve this issue by letting it sit there. What I'm suggesting is thinking outside the box. Life is short, making yourself happy and being confident about yourself is paramount. Try going against the grain, it's a good feeling.
The first thought in most people that have low self-esteem is they will fail. Failure is a part of life, once you embrace it, you can use it as a tool. This is a powerful tool that can go a long way in, removing those mental barriers that prevent you, from performing at your peak in all situations in your life. The purpose of all this is to get you to find positive opportunities in all aspects of your life. There's positive in good as well as in bad, striving to find that good will open new doors and remove obstacles.
The key takeaway when talking about confidence is, you have to trust in you. This must be done before anyone that exhibits trust in you can prove effective for you moving up the self-esteem ladder. Everything has and will always start with you....
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Relationships Day 4
Ok people, now to one of my all-time favorite questions: Are you willing and able to give 100%?
This is a question which will prompt many folks to immediately respond with the word yes. I caution everyone to Slow down before you open your mouth and answer yes. Quite often, we think we aren't the problem, yet the fact is, we all are the problem. We look at the person we are in a relationship with and say, "They won't do this","They wont do that". We rarely ask ourselves, "What am I willing to do for this person and what am I not willing to do?". The canned, ridiculous response people are saying right now is, "I would do anything for them". I have to clue everyone in on the fact that is a self told lie.
Most people you will be in a relationship with in your life aren't "The One". This is a fact, some may say a sad fact, however, we need to be grounded in reality. Over the years, I've listened to many friends tell me, "He is the one" or "She is the one". Now that's fine, but, they have said it for multiple partners, if not all of their partners. Let's analyze that scenario, we are talking about "The One"; how could you possibly have more than one, "The One"? You can't, so stop living in fantasy land. Finding "The One" is like looking for a needle in a large hay stack. If you approach it with a different mindset, I believe you can arrive at your destination. This journey to your destination could be a long, possibly never-ending journey, or a short one. We have no control over the journey, other than ourselves. This means, if you are truly in a position to give a person 100% of yourself, you have controlled the only thing you can control, which is you.
The reason why this is a very tricky question is, how many people truly understand what 100% means? It's something that is easily said, but, it is rarely followed through. A very high percentage of us hold something back from our partner. It may be a flaw we perceive we have; a family situation, job situation, thoughts that we have, or a myriad of other things we hold back. So you may ask, "Can we ever achieve 100%?". My answer to this is, it's not about achieving 100%; it's about asking yourself the question, to help you understand what things you are holding back. Once you have the issues in plain sight, you can work on them. I would suggest communication with your partner on these topics as well. This will also help remove some communication barriers in your relationship.
You may say; "What does something that happened to me many years ago have to do with my current relationship?". Everything that you have ever experienced makes you, you. Most people know this to be true. They can tie a reaction they've had to a current situation right back to a previous situation. I had a person tell me once, "I don't like apples because, someone once hit me in the head with one". This phenonmenon is no different for relationships. The effect could be subliminal and you not know it, or it can be the "elephant in the room" that you know all to well. Only you know that answer...
The purpose of this question is, once again, to help remove the mental barriers created by society. It's a question that will help people open their minds. It will give them the ability to breakdown their own communication pitfalls. This, like the other questions, don't gurantee anything. I believe, however, it will prepare you for better success in the future. I hear people complain about their relationships on a daily basis. More often than not, it's the same complaints they had about previous relationships. More often than not, it's the other person who is blamed for the failure. What I'm asking folks to do is, work out your own issues, before attempting to have someone in your life. I know people are saying, "If I did that I would never have anyone!". The fact is I'm not talking about making yourself perfect. That's a ridiculous goal of anyone. What I recognize in most of my conversations with people, is, they can list 100 things wrong with the other person, even though they know full well, they have 100 of their own. The big issue is, they feel they don't need to "work" on theirs, only that the other person needs to fix theirs. This goes back to previous posts..."being self-aware". My attempt here, is to get people going down the right path (for them) in their head. Stop using someone else's issue to mask your own. None of us will ever be perfect /100% at anything. Embracing the things in your life, which help you improve yourself first, will help you in a relationship with another person.....
Sincerely
Mr. P36
This is a question which will prompt many folks to immediately respond with the word yes. I caution everyone to Slow down before you open your mouth and answer yes. Quite often, we think we aren't the problem, yet the fact is, we all are the problem. We look at the person we are in a relationship with and say, "They won't do this","They wont do that". We rarely ask ourselves, "What am I willing to do for this person and what am I not willing to do?". The canned, ridiculous response people are saying right now is, "I would do anything for them". I have to clue everyone in on the fact that is a self told lie.
Most people you will be in a relationship with in your life aren't "The One". This is a fact, some may say a sad fact, however, we need to be grounded in reality. Over the years, I've listened to many friends tell me, "He is the one" or "She is the one". Now that's fine, but, they have said it for multiple partners, if not all of their partners. Let's analyze that scenario, we are talking about "The One"; how could you possibly have more than one, "The One"? You can't, so stop living in fantasy land. Finding "The One" is like looking for a needle in a large hay stack. If you approach it with a different mindset, I believe you can arrive at your destination. This journey to your destination could be a long, possibly never-ending journey, or a short one. We have no control over the journey, other than ourselves. This means, if you are truly in a position to give a person 100% of yourself, you have controlled the only thing you can control, which is you.
The reason why this is a very tricky question is, how many people truly understand what 100% means? It's something that is easily said, but, it is rarely followed through. A very high percentage of us hold something back from our partner. It may be a flaw we perceive we have; a family situation, job situation, thoughts that we have, or a myriad of other things we hold back. So you may ask, "Can we ever achieve 100%?". My answer to this is, it's not about achieving 100%; it's about asking yourself the question, to help you understand what things you are holding back. Once you have the issues in plain sight, you can work on them. I would suggest communication with your partner on these topics as well. This will also help remove some communication barriers in your relationship.
You may say; "What does something that happened to me many years ago have to do with my current relationship?". Everything that you have ever experienced makes you, you. Most people know this to be true. They can tie a reaction they've had to a current situation right back to a previous situation. I had a person tell me once, "I don't like apples because, someone once hit me in the head with one". This phenonmenon is no different for relationships. The effect could be subliminal and you not know it, or it can be the "elephant in the room" that you know all to well. Only you know that answer...
The purpose of this question is, once again, to help remove the mental barriers created by society. It's a question that will help people open their minds. It will give them the ability to breakdown their own communication pitfalls. This, like the other questions, don't gurantee anything. I believe, however, it will prepare you for better success in the future. I hear people complain about their relationships on a daily basis. More often than not, it's the same complaints they had about previous relationships. More often than not, it's the other person who is blamed for the failure. What I'm asking folks to do is, work out your own issues, before attempting to have someone in your life. I know people are saying, "If I did that I would never have anyone!". The fact is I'm not talking about making yourself perfect. That's a ridiculous goal of anyone. What I recognize in most of my conversations with people, is, they can list 100 things wrong with the other person, even though they know full well, they have 100 of their own. The big issue is, they feel they don't need to "work" on theirs, only that the other person needs to fix theirs. This goes back to previous posts..."being self-aware". My attempt here, is to get people going down the right path (for them) in their head. Stop using someone else's issue to mask your own. None of us will ever be perfect /100% at anything. Embracing the things in your life, which help you improve yourself first, will help you in a relationship with another person.....
Sincerely
Mr. P36
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Relationships Day 3
This next post is surrounding the following question... What constitutes a good relationship in your mind?
The key being "your mind". We tend to answer this question based on how we were brought up, society influences and past experiences. The real fact is, none of these external stimuli, can help "you" answer this. In my opinion, this is the biggest reason we have relationship issues to start with. We live by others ideas of what we're supposed to do with our lives. We are bombarded with suggestive undertones in every manner of our life.
You may be saying to yourself right now, "Well how do I block out the influence?". As in previous posts, internal thought is a powerful tool. Thinking about the things which truly make you happy is always the starting point. Challenging yourself to break from the mental prison, of attempting to please everyone in your life; this is what we have been conditioned to do all our lives. "It's important what others think of us and our actions", "This is what I've always done", "This is all I know". You can control only one person, and that person is you.
So to start to answer the above question, once again you need to be in tune with your true self. Once you are at this point, now the fun begins. I know right now everyone that is reading this is making a list in their heads - wrong - this is where you continue to make mistakes, over and over again. Remove the list, must haves, and types (this will be recurring theme :P). These distractions muddy the waters of what you really want; reason being is most of these things are based on someone else's idea of the "Perfect mate or relationship".
What makes a relationship good in my opinion is when you can't imagine yourself with anyone else. Many will immediately say, I have that. You may very well have that and if so good for you. Couple questions you now need to ask yourself. Do you really feel that way? Does your partner feel that way? If you don't know how they feel, then ask. Remember from previous posts, ask direct, open, and honest questions to gain understanding of your partners mindset. In the example from the last post, one person knew their answer, but didn't know their partner's answer. This is very important; open, direct, and honest communication is staple to answer the relationship question you have. If you aren't asking these questions, you're doing yourself a great disservice; you are in a relationship with your head in the sand. The old "don't ask don't tell", is a poor choice if you want to be successful.
I talk about knowing what you want quite a bit. I want to make sure everyone understands what I mean by this - it isn't compiling your list of things you want from a partner. It is in fact, understanding what makes you, you - the things that make you happy and fulfilled. No one can "make" you happy, you need too be at that point prior to engaging in a relationship. Too often we bring unresolved issues into new relationships. So I challenge you to again break the cycle. Most people have experienced many failed relationships, repeating age honored(or lack thereof) tactics. Understanding who you are won't guarantee you will have successful relationships, however, it will help you judge the temperature of your current relationship. People stay in poor relationships way too long. They do this because they are using these people to fill voids in their own person. This is the crux of many of relationship issues. People think being with this person or that person will complete them. People, this isn't working....
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Until the next blog....
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
The key being "your mind". We tend to answer this question based on how we were brought up, society influences and past experiences. The real fact is, none of these external stimuli, can help "you" answer this. In my opinion, this is the biggest reason we have relationship issues to start with. We live by others ideas of what we're supposed to do with our lives. We are bombarded with suggestive undertones in every manner of our life.
You may be saying to yourself right now, "Well how do I block out the influence?". As in previous posts, internal thought is a powerful tool. Thinking about the things which truly make you happy is always the starting point. Challenging yourself to break from the mental prison, of attempting to please everyone in your life; this is what we have been conditioned to do all our lives. "It's important what others think of us and our actions", "This is what I've always done", "This is all I know". You can control only one person, and that person is you.
So to start to answer the above question, once again you need to be in tune with your true self. Once you are at this point, now the fun begins. I know right now everyone that is reading this is making a list in their heads - wrong - this is where you continue to make mistakes, over and over again. Remove the list, must haves, and types (this will be recurring theme :P). These distractions muddy the waters of what you really want; reason being is most of these things are based on someone else's idea of the "Perfect mate or relationship".
What makes a relationship good in my opinion is when you can't imagine yourself with anyone else. Many will immediately say, I have that. You may very well have that and if so good for you. Couple questions you now need to ask yourself. Do you really feel that way? Does your partner feel that way? If you don't know how they feel, then ask. Remember from previous posts, ask direct, open, and honest questions to gain understanding of your partners mindset. In the example from the last post, one person knew their answer, but didn't know their partner's answer. This is very important; open, direct, and honest communication is staple to answer the relationship question you have. If you aren't asking these questions, you're doing yourself a great disservice; you are in a relationship with your head in the sand. The old "don't ask don't tell", is a poor choice if you want to be successful.
I talk about knowing what you want quite a bit. I want to make sure everyone understands what I mean by this - it isn't compiling your list of things you want from a partner. It is in fact, understanding what makes you, you - the things that make you happy and fulfilled. No one can "make" you happy, you need too be at that point prior to engaging in a relationship. Too often we bring unresolved issues into new relationships. So I challenge you to again break the cycle. Most people have experienced many failed relationships, repeating age honored(or lack thereof) tactics. Understanding who you are won't guarantee you will have successful relationships, however, it will help you judge the temperature of your current relationship. People stay in poor relationships way too long. They do this because they are using these people to fill voids in their own person. This is the crux of many of relationship issues. People think being with this person or that person will complete them. People, this isn't working....
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Until the next blog....
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
Monday, August 9, 2010
Relationships Day 2
Now let us tackle #2
This is one of my favorite questions! What are you willing to sacrifice? (If anything)
What does sacrifice mean, in terms of a relationship? Sacrifice should only mean, your willingness to let go of the desire to control your partner. This is the part of our being we struggle with in many situations, on a daily basis. The internal needs to have others do what you want, when you want, and how you want. It's especially evident in dating relationships.
People make the mistake of having a "type"; this is destined for failure 99.9% of the time. When you enter into a relationship with your "type", any deviation this person makes from the vision of your "type", results in the start of the failure of this union. The sooner you realize you can't control others, the sooner you will begin having better dating experiences. In other words; you aren't going to have successful relationships because someone looks like your type, acts like your type, has the perfect job, etc...
The moment you have that “Ah-ha” moment is the moment you’re on the path to success in dating. Now many of you will say, "I've dated plenty of people”, “I’ve been married", etc. My question is, were you or are you happy in those relationships? Before you answer that, make sure you take time to think hard about it. I have had many conversations with people who get nasty or even angry when I ask that question. Interesting enough, not long after asking that question, quite a few end the relationships they are in. It takes time, but they usually tell me "you were right". Now you may say I planted a seed in their mind and you would be correct, but, for the wrong reason. I only helped them admit to what they already knew. They were going through the motions and needed a wake-up tap. Two people are rarely at the same level in a relationship. Sometimes a person is speaking about their relationship in front of their partner, and I can see in their partner’s eyes, body, and motion, that they aren't on the same page.
I have two good friends who were married for 13 years. Bill used to always rave about Sharon - telling me how great she was and Sharon Sharon
You hear the stories or know of a couple that seems too be so happy. We all have seen them (and may have been in them :P) and sometimes we may even be envious (very bad thing to ever be!). Next thing you know, they’re divorced or broken up. Why is that? Wasn't it so perfect? This goes back to my underlying theme of controlling others and our need to do so. We project our failures upon these "perfect couples"… we want what we perceive they have. In turn, they keep up appearances, because they don't want to "appear to be" just like everyone else. We are stuck in this never-ending cosmic dance. The good part is that we can break the cycle… if we truly want to; however, this can only be done on an individual basis.
We need to start with ourselves - understanding what makes you tick, and how others affect you. Knowing who you are helps you be receptive to that person you truly desire and deserve to be with. We need to have an open mind and heart to share with another human being. Now with this openness comes tremendous accountability. What this means is, you have to find the balance to open yourself up completely, while at the same time, not allowing this other person control you. This can be a very tricky proposition when in a relationship in which "you" are in love. Often people answer my earlier question with a resounding “Yes” that they were happy or are happy in their current relationship. The thing they don't see, because, their eyes are wide shut, is that the person they are with, doesn't feel the same way... It's OK to fall completely in love with someone; however, once you get there, you need to make sure that other person is there as well.
You should never be afraid to speak your ideas, needs, and desires. Once you stop doing this, even once, you have sacrificed too much and have also started the downward spiral of this union. Every relationship is different, so this spiral can take weeks, months, or even years.
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Until the next blog....
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
Friday, August 6, 2010
Relationships Day 1
Often I find myself talking with people about issues in their relationships. So I decided to start a blog...
So how did we get here??
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Until the next blog....
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
I believe to have a successful relationship, there are a few things you need to know.
1. What do you really want in this or any relationship?
2. What are you willing to sacrifice? (if anything)
3. What constitutes a good relationship in your mind?
4. Are you willing and able to give 100%? (This is a tricky one)
5. What have you learned from previous relationships?
Let's focus on #1 for today's blog
There are many different types of relationships: dating, family, friends, co-workers, and yourself. Dating is the type of relationship we will discuss. As we move forward, this will also transcend to marriage.
Often I hear people complaining about the negative parts of their dating life or relationship. Ironically enough these relationships start out with an over abundance of positive conversation. "My guy is the greatest thing since sliced bread!" "My girl is the light of my life". Followed by, "I hate him!", "She's annoying".
We didn't ask ourselves or our new partner, question #1.
If you're going into any dating relationship, you should know beforehand the answer to that question.
Otherwise you have already at, step one, set yourself up for failure.
Now I'm not saying you need to know from day one you will marry this person. What I am saying is you should know from day one whether you want to get married, etc. Self awareness is a very important component of daily life; Even more so in relationships. If you go into a dating relationship and you have no idea what you want for yourself, you will find yourself in yet another failed relationship; therefore, for optimum chance of success, 1st get right in your own head.
If by chance you have done this, next step is to have an open and honest conversation with your mate.
Again, this isn't 1st date tell me where we are going stuff... however this conversation should happen before the "love" word pops out of either of your mouths.
Now people may frown at what I'm saying, thinking it's too much too soon.
I will caution you that, the normal course of action people follow has produced very poor results. High divorce rates are common place now. Why is that? People continue to repeat mistakes of past failed relationships.
The number one thing you should do before entering any relationship is...understand who you are and what makes you the happiest, when sharing your life with someone.
Ask yourself are you happy? If you say yes, then list the reasons why you’re happy. If no, then list the reasons why not. Having conversations with yourself is a great way to understand who you are. People believe they are what others tell them they are. This is a Cardinal rule breaker! Control your life, don't let life happen to you...
Please post questions, comments to this blog
If you enjoyed this post and would like to see more, please click the follow button in the upper right corner.
Until the next blog....
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
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