I believe to have a successful relationship, there are a few things you need to know.
1. What do you really want in this or any relationship?
2. What are you willing to sacrifice? (if anything)
3. What constitutes a good relationship in your mind?
4. Are you willing and able to give 100%? (This is a tricky one)
5. What have you learned from previous relationships?
Let's focus on #1 for today's blog
There are many different types of relationships: dating, family, friends, co-workers, and yourself. Dating is the type of relationship we will discuss. As we move forward, this will also transcend to marriage.
Often I hear people complaining about the negative parts of their dating life or relationship. Ironically enough these relationships start out with an over abundance of positive conversation. "My guy is the greatest thing since sliced bread!" "My girl is the light of my life". Followed by, "I hate him!", "She's annoying".
We didn't ask ourselves or our new partner, question #1.
If you're going into any dating relationship, you should know beforehand the answer to that question.
Otherwise you have already at, step one, set yourself up for failure.
Now I'm not saying you need to know from day one you will marry this person. What I am saying is you should know from day one whether you want to get married, etc. Self awareness is a very important component of daily life; Even more so in relationships. If you go into a dating relationship and you have no idea what you want for yourself, you will find yourself in yet another failed relationship; therefore, for optimum chance of success, 1st get right in your own head.
If by chance you have done this, next step is to have an open and honest conversation with your mate.
Again, this isn't 1st date tell me where we are going stuff... however this conversation should happen before the "love" word pops out of either of your mouths.
Now people may frown at what I'm saying, thinking it's too much too soon.
I will caution you that, the normal course of action people follow has produced very poor results. High divorce rates are common place now. Why is that? People continue to repeat mistakes of past failed relationships.
The number one thing you should do before entering any relationship is...understand who you are and what makes you the happiest, when sharing your life with someone.
Ask yourself are you happy? If you say yes, then list the reasons why you’re happy. If no, then list the reasons why not. Having conversations with yourself is a great way to understand who you are. People believe they are what others tell them they are. This is a Cardinal rule breaker! Control your life, don't let life happen to you...
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Until the next blog....
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
2 comments:
So Kenny, my guru,
I have been separated & divorced for over a year now. Went through the mourning of the loss, rebounded & partied probably unhealthily, but with no regret, for a bit, rediscovered myself as an individual, healed. I went through the normal pattern for dealing with a loss. Within the last 2 or 3 months, I felt a change come over me. I am happy! I am healthy! I am ready to be in a relationship again. Yes, I have dated through all of this mourning & self-discovery period, but the men I chose were toxic & hurtful & pretty much left me somewhat bitter towards the male population. But, there is hope for me since I do realize that there are good men out there & I am open to find them & let them find me :)
Well, my question is..... I did recently meet someone & we have our first "date" next Wednesday morning. I do not know him well, but from what I do know of him, I want to know him better. And, I don't want to screw this up! I want to take things slow, become friends first, a first attempt at this strategy...ha ha. But, at the same time, I want him to know I am interested in something more, but don't want to repeat my bad patterns of being too aggressive & taking things way too fast. How do I do this Kenny? I have not seriously dated in over 11 years! How do I start something healthy & potentially great? How do I take things slow, but also not make him think I am not interested in something more than friendship? Help?
Dear Anonymous,
Knowing who you are and what you want is a great 1st step. You know from your past that you are aggressive. My suggestion would be during your 1st date, take in the date. Relax, ask soft exploratory questions. When he answers your question, give your point of view on the same question. I would limit these to 1-3 over the course of the date. You want to find out more about him, while giving him more info about you. One fatal flaw both men and women share, is the fear they will come off too strong or too weak. This fear will cause you to not be yourself. Above all else be who you are. DO NOT ever try to hold back your essence. His reactions to who you really are, will tell you a lot of information. Be casual, with a purpose. One thing you have to keep in mind when dating...What seems perfect to you may not be perfect to them. Also, and most importantly, if at any point you feel you shouldn't do something...DO it! In other words, when you have that thought "should i ask him about...blah blah blah" then ask him. Because you want the answer...so go after it! Too many questions can be the kiss of death...so don't plan them...let them fall off your tongue when they're ready to. My suggestion is within the 1st 3-4 dates or phone conversation you both understand completely what each is looking for. Be yourself, which means...if you get the urge to hold something back @ any point...whether vocally or in an action...DO NOT!! People always say be you...and most people say "Wtf does that mean"....it means exactly what I said. You know those moments, you want to do or say something and say "No no I can't"...that's not being yourself. In closing.....if being you isn't good enough for him...guess what??? He’s not the one...:) Please don't hesitate to reach out for more advice as you embark on this journey.
Sincerely,
Mr. P36
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