Confidence

Today we will break from the relationship theme for a bit....


I had a good friend ask me an intriguing question today.  She asked if I had low self-confidence today.  This struck me as odd, for a few reasons, but, mainly because I possibly have never been asked that before.  It made me think about people I talk to on a daily basis.  It made me think, how can I help people overcome their issues with confidence/self esteem?

This is near and dear to my heart, as majority of people I have come in contact with in my life, suffer some form of poor self confidence.  I will admit this is foreign to me on a personal level as I have always been supremely confident in myself.  I also have supreme confidence in people.  I however relate cause I have talked to many people that have explained their torture.  They have also given me feedback that my confidence in myself and that which I attempt to instill in them has had a positive affect on their lives.

To me, a few things help people gain confidence in themselves.  One can be a person that shows them that they genuinely have confidence in them.  This seems easy enough, however if you don't feel that person to be genuine, you won't respond well.  People who have self-esteem issues are always taking advice from others with the same issue.  People.... stop this, misery-loves-company train wreck.  Actively take hold of your path to overcoming self confidence issues.

Another friend told me this morning that she officially got her radio show.  She said she was nervous and she needed prayers.  My first response to her minor trepidation was, "you're OK you got this".  In my mind there isn't a doubt because, she already got  the show.  There will be growing pains, but, she already proved in someones mind she is worth the spot.  The point of all this is simple, we need to take our success stories and use them as fuel, as we embark on the next challenge.  If I'm her I'm saying to myself "What's the worse that can happen?", "I made it this far!".

One thing that gets in the way of people becoming more confident is the need to be like others. This is a classic misstep.  Trying to be like someone else will always end in failure.  Trying to live up to someone else's standards or ideals is a tragic journey with very little success.  What do I mean by this you might ask?  We all have heard or seen the story of the star quarterback and his coach, the father.  He's never good enough in his fathers eyes, so he tries harder and harder.  Still his father is harder on him than the other kids.  This is a real life, everyday scenario that doesn't relegate itself to sports.  It permeates through all genders, colors, and roles. We are always trying to prove ourselves to someone else.  The only person you need to prove yourself to is YOU.

This issue is a big powerful locomotive and it's hard to stop it.  In many of my conversations with people, they talk about some event or many events in their life that cause them to not be sure about themselves.  One bit of advice I give them is focus on the good things you have accomplished in your life.  Everyone has success stories to tell.  So I tell people say to yourself "I did it once I can do it again!", even if it's something totally different.  The point is that you were successful at something, not what that something was.  We tend to get caught up in the act itself, instead of the fact you actually were successful at something.



My advice to those that know they have self confidence issues, is to seek out a coach or mentor.  This person needs too be someone that you have confidence in.  This person should be someone you can talk open, honest, and direct with.  Someone that shows and exhibits confidence.  Ask this person if they are willing to partner with you, to help you understand what having great confidence is all about.  Now you may have difficulty finding this person and even more difficulty opening up.  You don't want to let that stymie your quest for improvement in this area. Like in previous posts you need to break the cycle, you won't improve this issue by letting it sit there.  What I'm suggesting is thinking outside the box.  Life is short, making yourself happy and being confident about yourself is paramount. Try going against the grain, it's a good feeling.

We must always believe in ourselves, otherwise what is the point???  Life is lived individually, then in groups, not the other way around.  Seeking acceptance from others will only serve to deepen the strangle hold low self-esteem has on you.  Seeking someone to say they like what you're wearing doesn't make you feel good.  Think about it, you reached out for another's opinion because you already have doubts.  Their approval is superficial and only serves to mask the underlying issue.  Whether others agree with you is irrelevant, you must find the will to believe in what ever is in your head.  We worry too much about what society thinks about our ideas, appearance, actions, etc...  Society can very well have an opinion, this however can't be your source of approval for your life.  Confidence can be gained through the success stories of your life, not through the approval of others.  That approval will be short lived and not sustained in your mind or soul.


The first thought in most people that have low self-esteem is they will fail.  Failure is a part of life, once you embrace it, you can use it as a tool.  This is a powerful tool that can go a long way in, removing those mental barriers that prevent you, from performing at your peak in all situations in your life. The purpose of all this is to get you to find positive opportunities in all aspects of your life.  There's positive in good as well as in bad, striving to find that good will open new doors and remove obstacles.


The key takeaway when talking about confidence is, you have to trust in you.  This must be done before anyone that exhibits trust in you can prove effective for you moving up the self-esteem ladder.  Everything has and will always start with you....

Sincerely,


Mr. P36

Relationships Day 4

Ok people, now to one of my all-time favorite questions: Are you willing and able to give 100%?

This is a question which will prompt many folks to immediately respond with the word yes.  I caution everyone to Slow down before you open your mouth and answer yes.  Quite often, we think we aren't the problem, yet the fact is, we all are the problem.  We look at the person we are in a relationship with and say, "They won't do this","They wont do that".  We rarely ask ourselves, "What am I willing to do for this person and what am I not willing to do?".  The canned, ridiculous response people are saying right now is, "I would do anything for them".  I have to clue everyone in on the fact that is a self told lie. 

Most people you will be in a relationship with in your life aren't "The One".  This is a fact, some may say a sad fact, however, we need to be grounded in reality.  Over the years, I've listened to many friends tell me, "He is the one" or "She is the one".  Now that's fine, but, they have said it for multiple partners, if not all of their partners.  Let's analyze that scenario, we are talking about "The One"; how could you possibly have more than one, "The One"?  You can't, so stop living in fantasy land.  Finding "The One" is like looking for a needle in a large hay stack.  If you approach it with a different mindset, I believe you can arrive at your destination.  This journey to your destination could be a long, possibly never-ending journey, or a short one.  We have no control over the journey, other than ourselves.  This means, if you are truly in a position to give a person 100% of yourself, you have controlled the only thing you can control, which is you.


The reason why this is a very tricky question is, how many people truly understand what 100% means?  It's something that is easily said, but, it is rarely followed through. A very high percentage of us hold something back from our partner.  It may be a flaw we perceive we have; a family situation, job situation, thoughts that we have, or a myriad of other things we hold back.  So you may ask, "Can we ever achieve 100%?".  My answer to this is, it's not about achieving 100%; it's about asking yourself the question, to help you understand what things you are holding back.  Once you have the issues in plain sight, you can work on them.  I would suggest communication with your partner on these topics as well.  This will also help remove some communication barriers in your relationship. 

You may say; "What does something that happened to me many years ago have to do with my current relationship?".  Everything that you have ever experienced makes you, you.  Most people know this to be true. They can tie a reaction they've had to a current situation right back to a previous situation.  I had a person tell me once, "I don't like apples because, someone once hit me in the head with one".  This phenonmenon is no different for relationships.  The effect could be subliminal and you not know it, or it can be the "elephant in the room" that you know all to well.  Only you know that answer...

The purpose of this question is, once again, to help remove the mental barriers created by society.  It's a question that will help people open their minds.  It will give them the ability to breakdown their own communication pitfalls.  This, like the other questions, don't gurantee anything.  I believe, however, it will prepare you for better success in the future.  I hear people complain about their relationships on a daily basis.  More often than not, it's the same complaints they had about previous relationships.  More often than not, it's the other person who is blamed for the failure.  What I'm asking folks to do is, work out your own issues, before attempting to have someone in your life.  I know people are saying, "If I did that I would never have anyone!".  The fact is I'm not talking about making yourself perfect.  That's a ridiculous goal of anyone.  What I recognize in most of my conversations with people, is, they can list 100 things wrong with the other person, even though they know full well, they have 100 of their own.  The big issue is, they feel they don't need to "work" on theirs, only that the other person needs to fix theirs.  This goes back to previous posts..."being self-aware".  My attempt here, is to get people going down the right path (for them) in their head.  Stop using someone else's issue to mask your own.  None of us will ever be perfect /100% at anything.  Embracing the things in your life, which help you improve yourself first, will help you in a relationship with another person.....





Sincerely


Mr. P36

Relationships Day 3

This next post is surrounding the following question... What constitutes a good relationship in your mind?

The key being "your mind".  We tend to answer this question based on how we were brought up, society influences and past experiences.  The real fact is, none of these external stimuli, can help "you" answer this.  In my opinion, this is the biggest reason we have relationship issues to start with.  We live by others ideas of what we're supposed to do with our lives.  We are bombarded with suggestive undertones in every manner of our life.

You may be saying to yourself right now, "Well how do I block out the influence?".  As in previous posts, internal thought is a powerful tool.  Thinking about the things which truly make you happy is always the starting point.  Challenging yourself to break from the mental prison, of attempting to please everyone in your life; this is what we have been conditioned to do all our lives.  "It's important what others think of us and our actions", "This is what I've always done", "This is all I know".  You can control only one person, and that person is you.

So to start to answer the above question, once again you need to be in tune with your true self.  Once you are at this point, now the fun begins.  I know right now everyone that is reading this is making a list in their heads -   wrong - this is where you continue to make mistakes, over and over again.  Remove the list, must haves, and types (this will be recurring theme :P).  These distractions muddy the waters of what you really want; reason being is most of these things are based on someone else's idea of the "Perfect mate or relationship".

What makes a relationship good in my opinion is when you can't imagine yourself with anyone else.  Many will immediately say, I have that.  You may very well have that and if so good for you.  Couple questions you now need to ask yourself.  Do you really feel that way?  Does your partner feel that way?  If you don't know how they feel, then ask.  Remember from previous posts, ask direct, open, and honest questions to gain understanding of your partners mindset.  In the example from the last post, one person knew their answer, but didn't know their partner's answer.  This is very important; open, direct, and honest communication is staple to answer the relationship question you have.  If you aren't asking these questions, you're doing yourself a great disservice; you are in a relationship with your head in the sand.  The old "don't ask don't tell", is a poor choice if you want to be successful.

I talk about knowing what you want quite a bit.  I want to make sure everyone understands what I mean by this - it isn't compiling your list of things you want from a partner.  It is in fact, understanding what makes you, you - the things that make you happy and fulfilled.  No one can "make" you happy, you need too be at that point prior to engaging in a relationship.  Too often we bring unresolved issues into new relationships.  So I challenge you to again break the cycle.  Most people have experienced many failed relationships, repeating age honored(or lack thereof) tactics.  Understanding who you are won't guarantee you will have successful relationships, however, it will help you judge the temperature of your current relationship.  People stay in poor relationships way too long.  They do this because they are using these people to fill voids in their own person. This is the crux of many of relationship issues.  People think being with this person or that person will complete them.  People, this isn't working....

Please post questions, comments to this blog

If you enjoyed this post and would like to see more, please click the follow button in the upper right corner.
Until the next blog....

Sincerely,

Mr. P36

Relationships Day 2

Now let us tackle #2

This is one of my favorite questions! What are you willing to sacrifice? (If anything)

What does sacrifice mean, in terms of a relationship? Sacrifice should only mean, your willingness to let go of the desire to control your partner.  This is the part of our being we struggle with in many situations, on a daily basis.  The internal needs to have others do what you want, when you want, and how you want.  It's especially evident in dating relationships.

People make the mistake of having a "type"; this is destined for failure 99.9% of the time.  When you enter into a relationship with your "type", any deviation this person makes from the vision of your "type", results in the start of the failure of this union.  The sooner you realize you can't control others, the sooner you will begin having better dating experiences.  In other words; you aren't going to have successful relationships because someone looks like your type, acts like your type, has the perfect job, etc...

The moment you have that “Ah-ha” moment is the moment you’re on the path to success in dating.  Now many of you will say, "I've dated plenty of people”, “I’ve been married", etc.  My question is, were you or are you happy in those relationships? Before you answer that, make sure you take time to think hard about it.  I have had many conversations with people who get nasty or even angry when I ask that question.  Interesting enough, not long after asking that question, quite a few end the relationships they are in.  It takes time, but they usually tell me "you were right".  Now you may say I planted a seed in their mind and you would be correct, but, for the wrong reason.  I only helped them admit to what they already knew.  They were going through the motions and needed a wake-up tap.  Two people are rarely at the same level in a relationship.  Sometimes a person is speaking about their relationship in front of their partner, and I can see in their partner’s eyes, body, and motion, that they aren't on the same page.

I have two good friends who were married for 13 years.  Bill used to always rave about Sharon - telling me how great she was and Sharon used to do same in regard to Bill.  Whenever we were all together, I could see in her demeanor that she wasn't happy.  After 13 years, she left him and he was devastated.  I spoke to each of them afterward, and Bill didn’t see it coming and thought he did everything right.  Before Sharon told me her story, I gave her my observations - she said I was dead on!  She used the word sacrifice many times in our conversation.  One thing which was quite evident to me and which I brought up to Sharon, was that her gushing about Bill always seemed disingenuous or contrived, like she felt as though she needed to do it. Again, she agreed with me. I find this to be a recurring theme in most of the conversations I have with friends that aren't or weren't happy. Communication breakdowns are the ugly underbelly of relationships.

You hear the stories or know of a couple that seems too be so happy.  We all have seen them (and may have been in them :P) and sometimes we may even be envious (very bad thing to ever be!).  Next thing you know, they’re divorced or broken up.  Why is that? Wasn't it so perfect?  This goes back to my underlying theme of controlling others and our need to do so.  We project our failures upon these "perfect couples"… we want what we perceive they have. In turn, they keep up appearances, because they don't want to "appear to be" just like everyone else.  We are stuck in this never-ending cosmic dance. The good part is that we can break the cycle… if we truly want to; however, this can only be done on an individual basis.

We need to start with ourselves - understanding what makes you tick, and how others affect you.  Knowing who you are helps you be receptive to that person you truly desire and deserve to be with.  We need to have an open mind and heart to share with another human being.  Now with this openness comes tremendous accountability. What this means is, you have to find the balance to open yourself up completely, while at the same time, not allowing this other person control you.  This can be a very tricky proposition when in a relationship in which "you" are in love.  Often people answer my earlier question with a resounding “Yes” that they were happy or are happy in their current relationship.  The thing they don't see, because, their eyes are wide shut, is that the person they are with, doesn't feel the same way... It's OK to fall completely in love with someone; however, once you get there, you need to make sure that other person is there as well.  

You should never be afraid to speak your ideas, needs, and desires.  Once you stop doing this, even once, you have sacrificed too much and have also started the downward spiral of this union.  Every relationship is different, so this spiral can take weeks, months, or even years.

Please post questions, comments to this blog

If you enjoyed this post and would like to see more, please click the follow button in the upper right corner.
Until the next blog....

Sincerely,

Mr. P36

Relationships Day 1

Often I find myself talking with people about issues in their relationships.  So I decided to start a blog...

I believe to have a successful relationship, there are a few things you need to know.

1. What do you really want in this or any relationship?

2. What are you willing to sacrifice? (if anything)

3. What constitutes a good relationship in your mind?

4. Are you willing and able to give 100%? (This is a tricky one)

5. What have you learned from previous relationships?

Let's focus on #1 for today's blog

There are many different types of relationships: dating, family, friends, co-workers, and yourself. Dating is the type of relationship we will discuss.  As we move forward, this will also transcend to marriage.

 

Often I hear people complaining about the negative parts of their dating life or relationship.  Ironically enough these relationships start out with an over abundance of positive conversation.  "My guy is the greatest thing since sliced bread!" "My girl is the light of my life".  Followed by, "I hate him!", "She's annoying".

So how did we get here??

We didn't ask ourselves or our new partner, question #1.

If you're going into any dating relationship, you should know beforehand the answer to that question.

Otherwise you have already at, step one, set yourself up for failure.

Now I'm not saying you need to know from day one you will marry this person.  What I am saying is you should know from day one whether you want to get married, etc.  Self awareness is a very important component of daily life; Even more so in relationships. If you go into a dating relationship and you have no idea what you want for yourself, you will find yourself in yet another failed relationship; therefore, for optimum chance of success, 1st get right in your own head.

If by chance you have done this, next step is to have an open and honest conversation with your mate.

Again, this isn't 1st date tell me where we are going stuff... however this conversation should happen before the "love" word pops out of either of your mouths.

Now people may frown at what I'm saying, thinking it's too much too soon.

I will caution you that, the normal course of action people follow has produced very poor results.  High divorce rates are common place now.  Why is that?  People continue to repeat mistakes of past failed relationships.

The number one thing you should do before entering any relationship is...understand who you are and what makes you the happiest, when sharing your life with someone.

Ask yourself are you happy?  If you say yes, then list the reasons why you’re happy.  If no, then list the reasons why not.  Having conversations with yourself is a great way to understand who you are.  People believe they are what others tell them they are.  This is a Cardinal rule breaker!  Control your life, don't let life happen to you...

Please post questions, comments to this blog

If you enjoyed this post and would like to see more, please click the follow button in the upper right corner.

Until the next blog....


Sincerely,


Mr. P36